Heard Of Ho Malone? 50 Texts That Make Us Crack Up Regardless of How often We’ve Seen ThemBy Michelle Stone
Ever sent an embarrassing text to the wrong person? Ever received a weird message from a random number not saved in your phone? Then you’d relate to this list of the funniest text conversations we’ve compiled from all corners of the Internet.
From hilarious autocorrect mishaps to grandmas trying to get the hang of texting etiquette, you’ll get a lot of laughs through these text exchanges. And if you’re patient enough, maybe you’ll even get to find out exactly what a Ho Malone is. Clue: it’s something we bet you’ve seen about a dozen times already!
Nothing Beats Good Old Cave Water
There’s a lot of drinking options in the market for the avid water drinker. Some like the taste (or lack thereof) of purified water, for one, and prefer it over anything else. This texter is among those in that camp and isn’t afraid to make their preference known.
Unfortunately, the person they asked to bring home some purified water is giving them a hard time to the point of suggesting cave water that’s chock-full of minerals. In a way, we can see the benefits of mineral water, too. It’s got free nutrients we typically pay for to get in supplements, after all!
Unrequited Love Hurts
Meeting fellow single people has never been easier today with the array of dating sites just at everyone’s fingertips. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean that dating itself has become a total breeze, as this hilarious string of texts proves. Just wanting to confess their love for the other person, this poor texter got a taste of unrequited love instead.
What’s more, they got outwitted and tricked into saying the “L” word first, then got a cold “it back” in response. We’ve got to say, though, this is a smart way to indirectly reject a potential romantic partner without hurting their feelings too much.
“Wendjy’s” Is The Best Medicine
Grandmas are truly some of the best people you’ll ever meet. Just take this one, for example. Even in the face of getting a medical procedure, she managed to express her love for Wendy’s, or “Wendjy’s” as she put it, and their tasty salad selections.
She even craved food from her favorite fast-food restaurant after coming out of the operating room. And we honestly can’t blame her! Sometimes, a bit of Wendy’s salad is all one needs to recuperate from whatever condition. Fortunately, her grandkid was thoughtful enough to deliver grandma’s meal.
Napping 9 To 5
Napping 9 to 5, what a way to make a living indeed. It seems like Scott has figured out a nice balance between work and life by catching some z’s on company time. We’re not sure if Dolly Parton or his boss would approve, though!
However, we’re not judging Scott too harshly just yet. We don’t know; maybe he was sneaking in a nap during his lunch break after a hectic morning. Or perhaps he had just come back from a pre-work gym session that left him too tired to function. Either way, we’re sure a 20-minute power nap would have gotten him up on his feet again.
Presenting, The All-New Mercedes-Benz!
When this texter spotted a secondhand Mercedes-Benz in good condition, they knew they had to have it. But there’s just one problem preventing them from splurging on it; the current owner was a bit difficult to communicate with, as you can see from this funny text exchange.
Asking to see a photo of the luxury car in question, the seller probably misinterpreted the request and sent a selfie of him instead! We guess he’s the all-new Mercedes-Benz offering now, huh? Here’s to hoping these two eventually got on the same page to finish their transaction.
Of All The Neals In All The World
Low-maintenance friendships are the best in some ways. Even after years of not talking, you can expect to meet that old friend again and still have a good time just like you did in college. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem to hold true in this case.
After a long time of no contact, this texter gave their buddy Neal a holler. As it turns out, a street that had his name reminded them of their old buddy. And you know, he’s also one of the few Neals the texter knew. It’s just that this Neal wasn’t too pleased about being contacted out of the blue after so many years.
“New Phone, Who Dis?” Reversed
Remember that popular meme format? Well, this text sequence played out just like that, but in reverse. See, grandma here was just taking out the new phone she got for a spin. And with her thoughtful ways, she decided to ask her grandkid if they wanted beef for dinner.
Not recognizing her new number, the grandkid went off on their poor grandma, perhaps thinking they meant something else by the word “beef.” According to Urban Dictionary, the term can also mean to start or have a grudge against someone. So, they probably thought a random stranger was daring them to fight.
We Heard “Chupotlae” Has Some Tasty Burritos
Who doesn’t love Chipotle? It’s among the most popular fast-food restaurant chains in the United States for a good reason. And here we have one of its fans asking their friend to get some “Chliloptee” together…but with disastrous results.
With the apparent absence of autocorrect, they managed to mistakenly spell the name of the Mexican grill a whopping seven times before ultimately giving up. We bet they didn’t give up to the point of scratching their “Chiplo3” plans altogether, though. Once you crave a “Chupotlae” burrito, you’ve got to have it at all costs!
Never Mess With A Marine
We have a feeling Sargeant Balles here was just a military recruiter trying to do his job keeping in touch with his group of recruits. He didn’t sign up and train with the Marines just for his name to be insulted.
The joke’s on this unnamed jokester, though. We heard Marines aren’t a bunch to mess with. Their basic training alone has the reputation of being the toughest and the longest, so you bet they produce some very fit personnel. Hopefully, Sergeant Balles didn’t take this jab personally, though for the sake of this texter.
Better Call The Lawyer Then!
The first text in this exchange is probably one of the most devastating things a pet parent will ever read. So, we don’t blame this person for not sensing the buildup to an elaborate joke at first. Nobody expects to see a random photo of their dog in a wrecked vehicle, after all.
So, we can only imagine the relief this pet parent felt when they read the “bark” punchline and got the joke. And we also can’t blame them for being a bit angry. We would have pushed the gag further, though, and asked the other texter to call an accident lawyer then if they’re so worried.
Grandma’s Got Things To Do
It’s always lovely to see older people learning the ropes of using new technology, especially if it’s in an effort to stay in touch with their loved ones. This cool grandma even mastered the art of using emojis when texting her grandkid.
The only issue, though, is that it looks like she hasn’t mastered texting etiquette just yet. Grandma’s got things to do, we know, but some information is just better kept private. And we’re pretty sure trips to the toilet—be it for number one or number two—are among those. As young people say, “That’s just TMI!”
Oh, That’s Just Classic Jake!
It’s not rare for people to send texts to the wrong number. But it’s not every day that a person wakes up to messages as intriguing as these. It seems like Jake here has a habit of getting into various shenanigans that involve his posterior.
Unfortunately, our texter here blew their cover right away and let the other party know of their text messaging mistake. They probably should have just replied, “Oh, that’s just classic Jake!” to get the rest of the story. Anyway, here’s to hoping Jake is being more careful and has a life insurance policy, wherever he is now.
The Worst Time For Bad Service
Text messaging today is leaps and bounds better than in the past. But it still has its faults, as this anonymous texter found out the hard way. Perhaps stuck in a place with poor mobile service, they found themselves in the middle of an unfortunate case of miscommunication at the worst possible time.
After falling victim to autocorrect, their corrective texts failed to send. And let’s just say their friend was horrified to read that initial missent message. So, we imagine the awkwardness that ensued once these friends finally found each other for their planned night of drinking.
Who Runs “The Google”? Apparently, This Guy Does
Some people enjoy the customized logos Google creates to mark notable dates. And this mom here is clearly not one of them. Thinking it was her child that was responsible for those changes, she even made it a point to tell him not to do it anymore.
Hopefully, her son took it as a compliment that his mom believed in him so much she thought he was the one running “the Google.” Hmm, maybe it’s not yet too late for him to pursue a career in tech, after all. Who knows, perhaps he could come up with another hit like Amazon and be the next Jeff Bezos!
Bravo Avocado, Indeed!
You only get to make a first impression once, but this guy managed to do so twice, albeit both with not-so-good results. Using his love for guacamole to hit on a girl he likely met on a dating app, he took the plunge and made the first move by starting a conversation.
Her reception of his “Holy guacamole” opening line was not positive, though. Undeterred, he still decided to stay true to himself and his devotion to that delicious green fruit, the avocado. And for that, we want to commend him—bravo avocado lover, indeed!
The Gift Of Not Giving A Hoot
Facebook text alerts can be annoying sometimes, especially if all it reminds you of are things you don’t really care about. So, we can’t blame Jonathan for losing his cool when he got a reminder to greet his friend April for her birthday, whether it was a message or a notification.
And so, he made the grave mistake of replying to the text reminder, not knowing the repercussions. That’s how he unwittingly gave April the birthday gift of him not giving a hoot about her special day right on her Facebook timeline. Is it safe to say that was also the day their friendship officially ended?
That’s One Way To Deliver Bad News
Delivering bad news, especially to loved ones, is always tricky. You have to choose your words carefully and even think about the timing of your message. But it seems like this texter found a way to share bad news while softening the blow: a guessing game.
We’re not sure the technique worked the way they intended, though. Telling family members that grandma had to be taken to a hospital isn’t exactly the best time to make them guess what’s up. So, here’s to hoping they learned their lesson and that grandma turned out fine in the end.
Off To An Important Mission
Being trusted to spread a deceased person’s ashes is a critical mission. So we bet Kenny here was thrilled to be given such an honor by (we’re guessing) one of his friends, who wanted to handle their dead grandpa’s ashes. That excitement is probably the reason why autocorrect got the best of him in this instance.
Fortunately, Kenny caught on to his mistake immediately. We’re guessing the person he was texting got a good laugh out of the exchange, though. After all, a bit of humor, especially in the face of tragedy, is always welcome.
The Footsteps Are Coming From Inside The House!
Indulging in certain recreational substances might be okay from to time. But as this texter realized the hard way, it’s probably best to do it in moderation. In his altered state of mind, he didn’t realize that the weird footsteps he was hearing were made by his own shoes because, well, he was the one walking!
We can’t help but be reminded of that popular urban legend. You know, the one with the twist that the stranger’s calls were actually coming from inside the house. Oh well, we’re just relieved this high texter’s story ended on a funny note instead of a scary one!
We’ve got to say, as unfortunate as it is that this husband is not the most diligent when it comes to doing his share of house chores, this couple is still #goals. See, they know each other so well they don’t even need to say things directly to communicate effectively.
However, maybe this pair should take this incident as a sign that it’s time for them to finally splurge on a dishwasher to solve their chore division problems. And for those couples who are engaged to be married to include one on their wedding gift registry, too!
Gay And Proud
Coming out of the closet is a challenge for many gay people. But apparently not for this son. We know, we know, he’s probably come out to his mom before, but we still find it hilarious how nonchalant he was in this text conversation.
He even made a dad joke and “came out” to their car when what his mom meant was to come out of the house and into their auto. The way we see it, he’s just proud of who he is, and that’s probably all thanks to how accepting his mom is!
Tony Hawk Text Alert
Autogenerated texts can be a lifesaver, especially for people who are always on the go and can’t be on their phones at all times. So when this driver received a message while he was on the road, he was probably expecting to read something important.
But as it turns out, it was just one of his buddies sending him a Tony Hawk poem. He clearly didn’t appreciate the interruption—and for poetry, that didn’t even rhyme!—and rightfully told off his friend. Maybe this could serve as a lesson for the other party to be more thoughtful in sending messages during work hours.
Pregnancy Test Or Thermometer?
Digital thermometers aren’t a new thing anymore. But it seems like this texter has never seen one before, judging from this conversation. Despite the temperature being on display on the device, they still mistook it for a pregnancy test!
Of course, it’s also possible that this confused texter was just messing with their friend on purpose to cheer her up, what with her being too sick to come to school and all. We’ve got to admit, though, the way this digital thermometer was shaped made it resemble another familiar at-home medical device.
Who Could Know Crocs Spice Things Up In The Bedroom?
Crocs shoes are having a resurgence these days after first bursting into the scene in the ’00s. And it looks like the once-maligned footwear is finding an audience not just in the fashionable teen crowd but also couples who are looking to spice things in the bedroom. Just take this string of texts, for example.
Perhaps in a long-distance relationship, this couple decided to become intimate through text messaging. They even got Crocs involved in their roleplaying, it seems, despite the trendy footwear’s reputation for not being the most aesthetically pleasing of sandals. Different strokes for different folks, we guess!
Mascots Are Out; Furries Are In!
Well, it’s finally happened, folks! The term furry has entered mainstream use that this texter even forgot the word for mascot. For the unfamiliar, furries are people who are drawn to anthropomorphic animals and are typically associated with the wearing of elaborate costumes called “fursuits.”
And if you’ve seen one, then you’d already know how these fursuits can closely resemble the kind of outfits that football team mascots wear. That said, we can understand how this texter could have gotten the two mixed up. After all, the furry subculture seems to be getting a lot of press these days.
No More Emojis For You
When it comes to today’s texting culture, textspeak and emojis don’t always have a literal meaning. Take the eggplant emoji, for example. While some may still associate it with the actual aubergine, it also pertains to a part of a man’s nether regions depending on the context of the conversation.
That’s what made this text exchange so confusing for both parties. While the other was just excited about the eggplant Parmesan they cooked for dinner, the other was horrified, thinking they meant something else. Oh well, maybe it’s time to lay off the emojis for now.
Full Brothers Are Giants
Genes can be pretty unpredictable. Despite technically sharing the same DNA, a set of siblings can still look wildly different from each other. That’s probably the case with this texter and their half-brother, who towers at six foot three.
While we don’t know if the texter was lamenting the fact that their brother is tall or simply stating a fact, we’re sure their friend has been waiting for a long time to use this witty joke at an opportune time. By their logic, the texter’s full brother would have been a gigantic 12-foot-six!
Mom’s Asking The Right Questions
Internet humor can be a complex landscape to navigate for people who didn’t grow up using it. So, we understand why this mom was so concerned about their child’s well-being after seeing them make an unusual comment under an even more unusual video.
But while we get how leaving “mood a*” would be funny in this context, we think mom here is still asking the right questions. Who knows, maybe her child was truly going through something and could relate to the gorilla throwing a tantrum. That’s a mother’s intuition in action for you!
Uber To Nowhere
Taking a friend’s car key is a smart way to keep them safe when you’re on a night out of drinking. But it seems like this confused party host still found a way to escape their concerned buddies after they’ve had a few too many drinks.
As it turns out, they forgot they were drinking at their own place and left to “head home” aboard an Uber. While a hilarious scenario, we’re still curious what address they ended up giving their driver. Hopefully, they got home again safe and sound to turn in for the night.
Flirting (Gone Wrong) (Gone Gorilla)
If you’ve ever used dating sites, then you’d know how important crafting your messages is. That said, we can’t help but feel sorry for this texter who was just trying to get their flirt on. Hoping to use a sweet pet name for the girl he was talking to, autocorrect got the best of him.
And so, his attempts at flirting quickly went wrong as he accidentally referred to the other person as a gorilla. Hmm, maybe this is still salvageable? We’ve seen pictures of young gorillas, and they’re kind of cute! So, this could be taken as a compliment (fingers crossed.)
For non-native speakers, English can be a confusing language to learn. Those who’ve mastered it sometimes still make mistakes, too, especially when it comes to spelling certain words like “thief.” This funny yet frustrating text conversation proves just that.
We have a feeling the person receiving the impromptu spelling lesson was just messing around, though. The friend they were texting with is likely a grammar Nazi and just wanted to kid with them by intentionally misspelling words. And we’ve got to say, pushing it to the point of writing something as simple as “thief” as “tcheif.”
“I Am Bread”
We’re not sure this texter knows how poetry works. The first part of the message is a well-known line from a popular children’s rhyme—extra emphasis on rhyme—that’s usually followed by a sweet or funny, sometimes parodic, message.
We’re not sure what to make of this poem about bread, though. Are they saying that they’re both bread as a declaration of love? Whatever it was they were trying to imply, we have a feeling sending a lovely flower arrangement with a short note would have gotten the message across better than a poem about bread.
Nice Car, Not Interested
Selling things online has its perks and downsides. For one, you can reach more potential buyers with a Facebook Marketplace post than a physical poster. But then you also have to contend with people like Lawrence, who was curious about this Chrysler car for sale but didn’t seem interested enough to purchase it.
Maybe he was just canvasing what kind of cars were being sold secondhand on the Internet? Or perhaps he once owned an auto that was just like it and simply wanted to check it out. Whatever his true intentions were, we’re sure the seller was puzzled by the entire interaction.
Todds And Roberts Are All The Same
Poor Todd. He was just innocently checking his phone when he read a rather upsetting message from an unknown number. Curious about who it could be, he decided to inform them that they had the wrong number only to be cursed at for no apparent reason.
As it turns out, the mystery texter really hated a certain Robert so much that they turned their anger on an unsuspecting Todd, too. In all seriousness, though, we’re curious what horrible thing this Robert did to get this kind of reaction from this angry texter.
An Offer He Can’t Refuse
Well, this seller probably watched “The Godfather” one too many times and took Don Vito’s famous “I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse.” line a little too seriously. See, he’s trying to make a trade for his mower for a vehicle that is valued at $19K.
Now, we’re not mower experts at all, but we’ve never seen a riding mower that expensive unless it’s made of pure gold! So, we get how confused this other seller was about that rather unfair trade offer. Safe to say, the seller with the mower likely didn’t get a new auto that day.
Pun-Tastic Pickup Line
Flirting is a complex art to master, but that didn’t prevent this guy from trying to pick up a date. And so, he came up with a witty pickup line hoping to charm her. The thing, though, is that his strategy was more so pun-tastic than fantastic.
What’s more, we’re not sure we fully get what he meant either. Was he implying that the woman he was speaking to had a good build body-wise? If so, then it’s a lovely compliment, we think, just better said differently than he did.
Knock, Knock “Lasanya” Delivery
Food delivery platforms like DoorDash are heaven-sent, especially if you’re too busy to order take out. Still, it’s not a 100% foolproof way to get your meals sent to your doorstep. Take this interaction between a DoorDash worker and a customer, for example.
Perhaps forgetting how lasagna is spelled, the worker took one too many tries to get their message right. In the end, they just gave up and referred to it as the food Garfield the cat eats. On the bright side, we bet these messages made the customer laugh at least.
“I Woof You”
It’s no secret that some people like to use photos of their pets on their social media profiles. And dating app profiles are no exception, it seems, as Nadia here proves. What’s great about this, though, is that pets make for great conversation starters—a wholesome way to break the ice, if you will.
That strategy certainly worked well in this case. Now, this is a memorable way to make a first impression if you ask us! We bet future declarations of “I woof you” are in the cards for this witty pair.
Pie Rates Of The Caribbean
Speaking of witty, here’s another example of a joke superbly delivered. Simply enumerating the price rates of pies sold in Caribbean countries, this texter’s punny punchline came as a welcome surprise to what we thought was a rather matter-of-fact text conversation.
Now, we’re hoping that somewhere in Jamaica or the Bahamas, there’s an actual restaurant called Pie Rates of the Caribbean and serves the tastiest pies. If there isn’t, then someone should really be getting it up and running, given the large fanbase of the actual “Pirates Of The Caribbean.”
Snowmobiling > Hugging Wife
Would you rather lose an arm or a leg? Tricky question, huh. Not for this guy, though. With his love for snowmobiling taking precedence, he said he’d rather sacrifice one of his legs if it meant that he didn’t have to give up his sledding hobby.
And he stood by his choice even when he was told that a co-worker answered that he would keep his arms to be able to hug his wife. That said, we’re now curious how fun snowmobiling is, given this guy’s unwavering devotion to it.
The heaven text:
If you’re a woman who’s been picked up at the club or on a dating app, then we bet you’ve heard the “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” line. And after the fifth time of hearing it, we bet you’ve gotten tired of hearing it, too.
This texter certainly is. And so, she decided to have some fun and give that overused pickup line an unexpected twist. She fully took on her fallen angel persona and added a generous sprinkling of existential ennui, too. Hey, life can be challenging for angels, too!
What’s Stopping You, Jeff Bezos?
It’s no secret that Jeff Bezos has created an incredible fortune from the success of Amazon. In fact, he’s worth a mind-boggling $201 billion as of November 2021, according to figures from Forbes. So, we get this guy’s point about Bezos’ abilities to become everyone’s real-life Santa Claus.
From our addresses and wishlists, he practically has all the information he needs to gift us with the best Christmas presents! We reckon his corporation’s existing shipping structure could handle all that work, too. That said, we also would like to forward the same question this guy has to Mr. Bezos.
Lofty Expectations For A Bird, You’ve Got There
We have a sinking feeling that this texter’s frustration goes deeper than just their disappointment about this poor bird not meeting their lofty expectations. While they think large wingspans are a hindrance to flight, they’re actually helpful when it comes to lifting a bird off the ground with minimal effort.
That said, we believe that these two people are actually a couple in the middle of a fight. And we’ve really got to say; we didn’t know that bird pictures could be used as a form of peace offering these days.
Well, Time To Go On Diet!
Okay, so we’re not exactly sure what the context behind this exchange was. Still, we can’t help but laugh at the somewhat random weight shaming this innocent frog, which appears to be some kind of bullfrog, got from this texter. It seems like they’re suggesting that this incredible amphibian needs to go on a diet to shift some pounds.
We doubt that would be wise, though in reality, as bullfrogs are naturally big, with some species even reaching a weight of seven pounds. In fact, according to the Smithsonian, the aptly named Goliath frog, a kind of bullfrog, is the largest frog in the world.
Please Forgive “Meme”
As a general rule, using memes to ask for forgiveness is not the best idea. Just look at this string of texts. Perhaps in their haste to write an apology message for their significant other, this texter accidentally sent a photo of the popular Stonks meme over text.
For the unfamiliar, Stonks is an intentional misspelling of the word “stocks.” It is often used as a reaction image to joke about the poor financial decisions made by other people. Safe to say, it’s probably one of the worst memes this texter could have sent, given the nature of the conversation.
Lee Better Watch His Back
It’s no secret that macaroni and cheese is a dish that many people love. Those who live in the southern part of the United States even serve it as part of their Thanksgiving feast. That said, we get why this texter was so upset that Lee failed to bring it to whatever gathering they were having.
The other person in the conversation, although technically a stranger, agreed and even jokingly suggested that Lee be punished for his mistake. So, if we were Lee, we’d begin watching our back if some hungry friend decides to follow this advice.
Leave The Elephants Out Of This!
Fighting is a normal part of any relationship, be it a romantic one, a platonic one, or a familial one. We’re not so sure if this particular kind of fight-picking is healthy, though. This texter even roped innocent elephants into their argument!
Of course, it’s also possible that they were just kidding around and simply looking for a topic to get the text conversation going. Maybe next time, they could leave elephants out of their banters and visit them at the local zoo instead to see the beautiful creatures in person.
Litany Of Endearment
We’ve heard of many terms of endearment, but we can’t say we’ve seen a litany of endearment as long as this one. Waiting for their significant other to respond to their texts, this persistent texter began listing every name in the book.
Starting out sweet with pet names like “sugar” and “honey,” they inevitably ran out of words and ended up with not-so-sweet ones like “cold McDonald’s fries.” We have a feeling they haven’t realized yet that they were being given the silent treatment. Hopefully, they’ll be able to connect the dots before they resort to even weirder names.
“Ho Malone” Is A Great Christmas Movie
Okay, now, this is the kind of joke we can get behind. It’s clear that this texter knows just how to deliver a punchline over text. They began their build-up of the joke from an unexpected point, starting with a Post Malone the rapper reference.
Then, they went down the punny route and related it to the famous Macaulay Caulkin holiday movie “Home Alone” but spelled it as “Ho Malone” instead. Get it? The texter’s friend didn’t seem too amused by that punchline, though, and as they even replied to the last message.
The Untold Story Of Jared And His Worms Boy
Most people have a go-to guy they rely on for certain things. At the height of cable TV, we’re sure many of you had a designated cable guy even. Well, Jared is no exception, but instead of a guy, he has a boy: a worms boy.
As for what purposes Jared needed the services of his worms boy, we can only guess. We bet there’s an interesting story behind this strange pair, though. Or you know, it’s also possible that Jared is financing a business that involved worms, and this unnamed worms boy happened to be his supplier.